SPACE NUTZ | Michael Skyner

SPACE NUTZ - Interstellar Best Seller

For young adults and above.

A sometimes irreverent tale of the crazy antics regarding the inhabitants of a far-off galaxy and the crew of the Southern Belle - a trading freighter, whose mission to rescue a kidnapped princess, takes them on a galaxy wide quest where they encounter strange planets and the even stranger beings that live on them...

The empire is dying. After a thousand years its resources are running out. Its traditional trading partners: the United Planets have refused credit. Faced with almost certain doom the emperor attempts to take matters into his own hands and take the resources he needs by force. But his once mighty and proud fleet implodes due to a lack of working parts. The emperor is forced to consider more subtle methods.

The emperor turns to his Vice-Roy, Snide of Sneakus II. His plan is to capture the Princess Lavender, daughter of King Crust, the curmudgeonly ruler of the United Planets. The emperor also secures an alliance with Corpustula, a sorceress, who exacts a promise of marriage in return for her support. A decision the emperor would come to regret.

Snide springs his trap. Posing as a hairdresser. Snide and his confederates kidnap Lavender at her favourite hairdressers. The King in despair offers a reward to anyone who will rescue his daughter. There are few takers, but eventually the offer is taken up by the crew of the Southern Belle, a freighter returning from a mission from the galaxy of Quark.

Meet some of the characters in Book One and explore the Great Galaxy of Trot.

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The Emperor

The planet Haemorroidia (twin moons Slug & Lettuce) is home of the Haemorroidian Emperor, his eminence, Haemorroidius III. A being of both great intelligence and malevolence; whose temper is short and whose tolerance of fools even shorter. Hence his being in an almost permanent state of frustration and rage, in equal measure, regarding his subjects over which he has the dubious misfortune to rule.

Tall, slim, of slight build, his face reflected his power and majesty. The emperor's expression showed permanent mistrust and suspicion. This was not a boy or creature (nobody was quite sure of the emperor’s anthropological status) to be trifled with, and the few that did, rarely survived long enough to have regrets.

To disguise his relative youthfulness the boy emperor used a protein mask. His current ensemble made him look like Ming the Merciless. Nobody was quite sure of what he really looked like under the mask and few dared to enquire.

Snide

Originally from the planet Reptillia, whence he was taken to Sneakus 11 as a small lizard and raised in the ways of the Snidians. Snide soon became extremely adept in the arts and crafts of the Snitches. ; namely, how to make a great aside; how to snitch on your friends without them ever knowing; how to plant evidence on the unsuspecting; and finally, the art of spreading false rumours and title-tattle. In time, Snide rose through the ranks, finally ending up as Grand Master of the Ancient Order of the Snitches. From there, it was but a short journey, after having spread false and malicious rumours about the existing incumbent (but, in such a way, as to derive the admiration of the entire Galaxy) to the exalted position of Chancellor. Which automatically made Snide the numero dos 'head honcho', of the empire.

Admiral Grabber

Admiral Grabber's vast bulk filled the screen. The first admiral's physical presence always impressed the emperor. The torso, which was rather large and square, appeared to be more closely related to a brick wall than a body, so vast and immovable did it seem. Atop the admiral’s enormous square shoulders, sat an equally huge, square, fat head; giving the appearance somewhat of a bruiser and street fighter, which pretty much sums up what he was.

From either side of the torso sported three arms the whole vastness being held up by three legs of tree-trunk proportions. In contrast with his roughnecked appearance, the admiral wore a resplendent white naval uniform, with the gold braid of his office and blue lodestone buttons.

Loyal to a fault, the admiral followed orders to the letter, and woe betide anyone or thing that did not come up to his expectations. The words “second chance” had no place in the admiral's vocabulary.

LESGOB

As he approached the steps leading to the podium, a Lesser Spotted Green Ouzel Bird or LSGOB for short, decided to chance his arm, and shuffling off his perch approached the emperor. Being a palace bird and therefore privileged, he knew that he had an even chance of a result. But perhaps, today was not a good day.

‘Got any lobnuts?’ said the LSGOB, expectantly.

The emperor ignored him, so the bird moved directly into his path.

‘Got any lobnuts? eh, eh,’ asked the LSGOB. ‘Lobnuts eh, eh, got any?’ The greedy bird eyeballed the emperor. Nobody, animal or mineral and certainly no vegetable, would ever eyeball the emperor but the LSGOB was beyond stupidity.

DADDY COOL CRUST

Curmudgeon is also where King Daddy-Cool Crust, the grumpy ruler of Klunk resides. Daddy-Cool Crust or good old Crusty, as his subjects fondly like to refer to him when toasting his health, is the latest in a long line of royal rulers going back before the mists of time; right back to the Grand Duke Timorous the Terrible, who founded the dynasty and who, at the end of the thousand years’ war, formed the alliance that led to the formation of the United Planets. Things rarely went right for Crust, but little did he know his kingship was soon to be challenged as never before.

WUNTUN

‘Always bizzy, your marestie, always bizzy,’ said Wuntun with an inscrutable smile – an expression he always wore.

‘So, I see,’ said Crust, looking at the chaotic laboratory. He remembered now why he placed his portly wizard so far away from the rest of the palace. It’s always been a bit of a cliché that in fantasy adventures, the wizard is to be found atop a remote and dingy turret in a forgotten corner of the palace or castle. But, with Wuntun, there is a very good reason why Crust placed him here – it was the safest place to be for all concerned.

SANDY

I, I, I, would, pant, pant, speak, wheeze, you, with, butt, skinny, yours, break, pant, wheeze, listen to me, you, puff, wheeze, pant, excuse, miserable, wizard, for a…’ said the large female, whose name Wuntun would eventually learn was Sandy. Finally, after some minutes of panting and wheezing, Sandy could speak in her normal voice.

‘Fool, what you gonna live all the way up here for, with no sky lift, man that’s dumb. Any idiot can see you can’t live all the way up here without a sky lift. What you got for brains, Gloop?’ said Sandy, referring to a particularly nasty substance found on the planet called Gloop.

WUNTUN'S LABORATORY

Hanging from the walls were essential items of wizard kit; including skeletons of various sky beasts, and blubber of giant hog whale.

In a jar, next to the hog whale, was the spleen of the unfortunate creature who had tried to capture the giant hog whale. Stacked on dusty shelves were rows of potions, lotions and jars containing such essential items as Essence of Ancient Ancestor; a bottle of Frogglefart (distilled of course) and a letter from the ancient ancestor, complaining about being turned into essence.

There was amphora of Emonium rubbing shoulders with bottles of Dungfest Grade Three and jars of squidgy foul-smelling substance

labelled, Squidgy Foul-Smelling Substance. The

look was completed with musty tombs of old spells and almanacs, while wands of various strengths and sizes lay stacked in one corner.

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Michael Skyner